Taste of his own Medicine
by SharanMcQuack
Summary: Mr. McDuck tries to steal a sacred diamond, Launchpad stops him. The priests who worship the diamond switch Mr. McDuck's and Launchpad's bodies to teach Mr. McDuck a lesson.


" Taste of His Own Medicine"  
by Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.

Question: Is ANYBODY publishing Disney comics (Mickey Mouse, Uncel Scrooge, etc.) right now? Didn't think so. Dopes, stupid heads, other nice names.

Note to ANYBODY who doesn't like Launchpad McQuack or thinks he is stupid- please skip this story and all the others I may write. If you want to read a story that potrays Launchpad as a moron, there's no shortage of THEM, Lord knows. I've put up with that GARBAGE for 25 years now and Disney won't listen to a word I say unless YOU consider doing the exact OPPOSITE of what I want "listening" and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Hence, this story...

(Why not? I'm writing this and I love Launchpad. I didn't plan on falling in love with a cartoon character duck, it just sort of happened. So I'm nuts. All we McQuacks are a few planes shy of a full hanger. And I'd change my name to Bella or Late-to-dinner for a chance to marry Launchpad for real!)

* * *

Launchpad was flying Mr. McDuck to Doesntmatterwhere.

"So-I heard rumors about you "side-kicking" with that Darkwing Duck character over in Saint Canard during your summer vacation. Any truth to that, Launchpad?" Mr. McDuck asked.

"Just let's say I helped him out at least once during the past two months I was gone, Mr. McDuck" Launchpad said.

" Can't imagine what your wife, Sharan, said about that." Mr. McDuck said.

Launchpad shrugged. Launchpad didn't want Mr. McDuck asking too many questions.

Gallant Goof-(1)-had come to St. Canard and out-did DW in nothing flat. DW has married Morgana and retired. He was now consulting to Gallant Goof and was writing and drawing a comic based on Gallant Goof.

Launchpad and I offered to baby-sit Goselyn during their honeymoon, but DW had sent Gos to his Mom's, figuring Gos needs somebody more willing to play hardball than Launchpad.(2)

Launchpad landed the plane. He was surprised Mr. McDuck didn't yell at him. Not that Launchpad had done anything wrong, but when did THAT keep Mr. McDuck from yelling anyway?

Then Launchpad saw why Mr. McDuck didn't yell at him. Mr. McDee was staring at a HUGE diamond mounted on top a tower. Mr. McDuck wanted to buy that diamond.

"It's even bigger than I heard it was!" Mr. McDuck said.

Launchpad sighed. Launchpad smelled trouble. Launchpad knew how things got when Mr. McDuck's greed got the better of him. Mr. McDuck's efforts to buy the diamond came to naught. The diamond was considered sacred and was worshipped. But Mr. McDuck wanted it and forgetting that he is an honest man, tried to steal it. (3)

Only Launchpad popped up and stopped him.

"What are you DOING, Mr. McDuck? You're not a crook. You've always prided yourself on the fact you made all your money square. How will you feel knowing you STOLE that diamond?" Launchpad asked.

"What are you doing here?' Mr. McDuck hissed.

" I saw the "I want it" look in your eye when you were looking at that diamond. I was afraid you might try this, when they wouldn't sell you that diamond.'" Launchpad said.

" I'm going to leave more than enough to pay for the diamond and this glass fake diamond behide. No one will ever know the difference." Mr. McDuck said "Nobody but the priests is allowed to come too close to the diamond and they wouldn't sell because without the diamond, they're out of a job. This way, they keep their traps shut, they keep their jobs, and they keep my money and nobody's hurt."

" Then why didn't you tell them that in private? What if the priests believe in the diamond?" Launchpad asked. " How would YOU feel if somebody substituted an ordinary dime for your Lucky Dime, even if they are worth the same if you DON'T believe in its luck?"

" How, indeed." the head priest said.

"You idiot! Your talking woke them up!" Mr. McDuck yelled.

"The diamond told us when you entered this room, intending to steal it 3 minutes ago." the head priest said.

Mr. McDuck looked at his watch, it had been 3 minutes ago to the dot when he entered the diamond room.

"You tried to steal our diamond" the priests said to Mr. McDuck.

"Yes. I'm sorry. Normally, I'm an honest man- but I couldn't believe that you actually believed in that diamond." Mr. McDuck said. " I thought you were just taking advantage of superstitious peasants and could do so just as well with a fake diamond as a real one. But you wouldn't be so angry if you didn't believe- so I apologize. I will accept whatever punishment for attempted theft you deem worthy."

"Bravely spoken, but too late. You tried to steal our diamond. Launchpad tried to stop you. You must learn that he is NOT your enemy. We do not punish offenders, we merely teach them a lesson. This is your lesson." the priest said.

The head priest pointed at Mr. McDuck and Launchpad. There was a puff of smoke. When it cleared, the boys, Huey Dewey and Louie- who had been home with Mrs. Beakly- found themselves in the diamond room.

"How did we get here? And where's here?" Huey asked.

"Your uncle tried to steal our sacred diamond. He has apologized, but must learn. You three were brought here by my magic to help him learn and to witness. As they are now, they will stay until the sun sets. Then they shall be back to normal, no harm done." the head priest said.

Then the priest left. The boys looked at Mr. McDuck and Launchpad. They looked perfectly normal to the boys.

" You OK, Uncle Scrooge?' they asked.

" I'm fine, boys'" came the usually Scottish-accented voice-out of LAUNCHPAD'S mouth.

"What's going on here?" asked Launchpad's voice- coming out of Mr. McDuck!  
"Yahhh! What am I doing in Mr. McDuck's body? I ain't been this short since I was Huey's age!" Launchpad- inside -of-Mr.-McDee said.

"Watch it!" Mr. McDuck-inside-Launchpad said.

"The priests must have switched your bodies- he said you'd be like this till sunset." the boys said.

"Well- no use hanging around here. We might as well go home." Mr. McDuck said, and tried to stand up.

"Be careful, Mr. McDee, not so fast!" Launchpad warned him.

But as per usual, Mr. McDuck didn't listen. Plop! Flat on his face!

"Ouch! I'm going to be feeling that after sunset!" Launchpad said.

"You OK, Mr. McDuck?" Launchpad asked.

"What happened? I can't stand up!" Mr. McDuck yelled.

"You're not used to being big and heavy. Why do you think I have a tendency to be clumsy?"Launchpad said " Because I'm so blame big! Every time I start to get used to how big I am- boom- another growth spurt and I'm two or three inches taller than the last time I looked. That's why you gotta take it easy, Mr. McDee- you're not used to it at all. And keep your chin up- literally. It helps me keep my balance." .

"How? It weighs more than my money bin!" Mr. McDuck asked.

"Tell me about it!" Launchpad said.

"How come YOU'RE not having trouble with MY body?" Mr. McDuck asked.

" Like I said, I USED to be your size, once. It's kind of a relief not to be so big and heavy for a little while. I always gotta be careful not to break things- especially since I'm so blame strong." Launchpad said. " You better watch out for that, too- especially when you get home. I wouldn't handle anything breakable till after sundown if I were you.'"

"You are ME!" screamed Mr. McDuck.

Mr. McDuck managed to stand and managed to walk.

"Just fly the plane home." he said.

Then Launchpad realized something totally horrifying to him and totally freaked out.

" I don't know how to fly a plane! I don't know how to fly a plane!" Launchpad yelled.

"What are you talking about? You're a lousy pilot, but you are a pilot!" Mr. McDuck screamed right back.

"Wait a minute! Switch places with me, Mr. McDuck!" Launchpad said.

"We're already done that!' shouted Mr. McDuck.

" I mean you sit the pilot's seat and I sit where you're sitting." Launchpad clarified.

They did so.

"Now- do YOU know how to fly this baby?" Launchpad asked.

"What are you talking about? I never learned how to fly a plane! I- I- I KNOW HOW TO FLY THIS PLANE!I KNOW WHAT EVERY KNOB, EVERY DIAL, EVERY SWITCH- is for! How?" Mr. McDuck demanded.

"Er- that's MY brain YOU'RE using. And I do, too have a brain. You should know, because for the moment, you're using it!" Launchpad said.

" Launchpad! It's not like you to talk that way!' Mr. McDuck said, surprised.

" Huh? Oh, great. Now I've got your temper! I need that like I need a hole in my head!" Launchpad said.

Mr. McDuck suddenly realized he had Launchpad's memories. He started to search Launchpad's head and found it FAR from empty. In it was an impressive knowledge of airplanes and aviation history.

Mr. McDuck realized that there wasn't a plane, copter, etc., Launchpad didn't know how to fly- and practically everything else there is to know about them. And at least from Launchpad's point of view, he'd never crashed a plane in his life.

Launchpad had bumpy landings due to landing places with nothing remotely resembling an airfield or circumstances beyond his control, such as weather. Launchpad had damaged planes many times in order to make sure none of his passengers- including himself- were hurt.

Mr. McDuck "saw" in Launchpad's memories, Launchpad risking his life to save Mr. McDuck or his nephews. He "saw" Launchpad risking his life to protect Mr. McDuck's money, including the Lucky Dime from Flintheart Glomgold or Magica Despell, or the Beagle Boys or all of the above- many, many times.

And he "saw" himself screaming at Launchpad for NOTHING two seconds later. This gave him pause. He had never tried to put himself in Launchpad's boots before. Now, he had no choice. And he realized that was the point of this lesson.

" Launchpad? Why do you never call me by my FIRST name?" Mr. McDuck asked.

"My mother taught me manners. Like never calling my elders by their first names. Besides, I wasn't sure how you felt about your first name. You must of gotten teased a lot when you was a kid, with a first name like Scrooge. I got teased a lot with a first name like Launchpad." Launchpad replied.

"Why didn't you fight them? You're big and strong enough?" Mr McDuck asked.

" I'm NOT a bully! And I wasn't always big! I got beat up once by a bunch of bullies when I was three! I promised myself that day I'd never be a bully! Never forget what it was like to be small and helpless and unable to fight back!" Launchpad said.

Mr. McDuck realized that since he now had Launchpad's memories, he could remember that day. He realized how scared Launchpad had been and how scared Launchpad had been many times since then. Launchpad had faced his fears many times, but never allowed them to stop him from doing anything for too long.

Then Mr. McDuck remembered that HE had to land the plane- and he was, for the first time, NOT afraid of flying. Mr. McDuck had been afraid of flying since forever-, which is why he screams at Launchpad so much. He'd rather be angry than afraid.

Also, by constantly SAYING that Launchpad is a lousy pilot (4), he can get away with not paying Launchpad anything remotely resembling what he worth. Besides, it keeps other people- especially Flintheart Glomgold- from hiring Launchpad away from him.

Not that Launchpad would work for Flintheart if he was the last zillionaire on the planet, but go tell Mr. McDuck that.

(Flintheart makes DEFECTIVE MERCHANDISE. WAY too cheaply made! WAY too flimsy! Breaks if you look at it funny! Flintheart Industries is the world's largest producers of AIRPLANES and AIRPLANE PARTS ! THREE GUESSES HOW MUCH THIS MEETS WITH LAUNCHPAD'S APPROVAL! Especially since not only is HE a pilot, so's his family! Know how many plane crashes have been caused by Flintheart's greed? PLENTY! Ever wonder why Launchpad puts up with Mr. McDuck's GUFF? Now you know. Because Launchpad wants VERY much to be a part of stopping Flintheart. And only Mr. McDuck can DO that. Launchpad doesn't know the first thing about finances. Or the second or third thing, either.)

Then Mr. McDuck realized that Launchpad KNEW what Mr. McDuck was doing, had always known that and that Launchpad had responded by trying three times as hard to gain Mr. McDuck's respect and admiration- or rather, to get Mr. McDuck to ADMIT that he ALREADY respected and admired Launchpad.

Mr. McDuck landed the plane and realized that if Launchpad had done so, he be yelling to beat the band for the sake of yelling by now. They got to the mansion. people started pestering "Mr. McDuck" for money- and he yelled at them like always, signaled the others to run and they all did so.

" Uncle Scrooge?" the boys asked, hoping their uncle was back where he belonged.

"Nope. Still me. That was fun! I never knew yelling at people like that was so much fun! Is that why you yell at people all the time, Mr. McDuck- because it's fun?" Launchpad asked, still inside Mr. McDee.

"Where did you learn to imitate me like that?" Mr. McDuck demanded.

" Normally, I can't. But I'm using your vocal chords, so I figured I could sound like you if I tried. It's not as if I don't know how you sound- especially when you yell." Launchpad said.

Mr. McDuck was thinking it was a good thing Gizmoduck was busy protecting the money bin, he hate to try and explain this. Then suddenly he realized: Launchpad knew that Gizmoduck was Fenton! Launchpad had recognized him, tin tuxedo or no tin tuxedo- and that was confirmed when he, Mr. McDuck, had once accidentally called Gizmoduck "Fenton" right in front of Launchpad!

He also "saw" in Launchpad's memories, something about Darkwing Duck and Gizmoduck teaming up, yet keeping their IDs secret from EACH OTHER? That seemed MORANIC to Launchpad- you can't even trust EACH OTHER? Then, Mr. McDuck encountered a mental block harder than a diamond!

He took Launchpad aside.

" Launchpad, you know who Darkwing Duck is, don't you? Don't worry, I still don't know, there's a mental block in your head that's keeping that info from me!" Mr. McDuck whispered.

"You mean like the one in your head that's keeping me from knowing the combination to the money bin? I was going to suggest we hide in the money bin until sunset- but I still don't know the combination!" Launchpad said, managing to avoid answering that question.

And then Mr. McDuck was horrified to realize that inside Launchpad, he didn't know the combination of his own money bin!

Mr. McDuck decided to try and get some work done. They went into his office and Mr. McDuck tried to read the Wall Street Journal- only to find that Launchpad doesn't know squat about finances and couldn't understand that newspaper if his life depended on it!

"Launchpad- can you understand this paper? Because right now- I can't" Mr. McDuck said.

Launchpad looked at the paper for awhile, then started humming the theme from "the Twilight Zone".

"I understand it! I could never make heads nor tails of this stuff! Weird!" Launchpad said.

Mr. McDuck realized he could either ask Launchpad to make financial decisions for him, or he could take the day off. Mr. McDuck took the day off. MR. McDuck knew he was not trusting his own brain, but somehow, Mr. McDuck could not make any other choice!

"Let's head to the library" Mr. McDuck said.

They did so, and as he looked around for something to read, his eye fell on a rare first-edition of a book he never read because he could not understand it: a book by the Wright Bros., explaining how planes fly.(5)

Mr. McDuck idly tried to read it- and found he understood it perfectly! He realized Launchpad had a shabby (definitely NOT first edition!) copy of the same book that Launchpad had found in a used bookstore and had read it many times!

"Launchpad- you understand this book, don't you?" Mr. McDuck asked.

"About as well as you understand this one, Mr. McDee" Launchpad said, fingering a book on economics he found himself with. " I'll be glad when sunset comes. This is weird and I'm getting a headache from all of the sudden needing glasses!"

Mr McDuck realized he was hungry and had Launchpad order lunch. It was weird eating three times as much as usual. It was even weirder when he started to realize just how strong he was.

Mr McDuck is pretty strong for a little guy- he went over to his gold barbells to exercise. They are the heaviest things he can lift and many a much larger man cannot lift them.

Now he found himself picking one up like it didn't weigh anything. He lifted two of them as easily as he could normally lift one.

_()() Just how strong is Launchpad, anyway?()()_ Mr. McDuck asked himself.

Mr. McDuck was trying NOT to remember the times Launchpad has picked him up and carried him out of harm's way for I-don't- want- to- know -how- far as if he were a 5 lb. sack of potatoes.

Mr. McDuck walked over to a robot the Beagle Boys had once used to try and rob his Money Bin. It looked just like Mr. McDuck and was as like him as possible, down to how strong it was. (6).

Mr. McDuck turned it on, but Launchpad's scarf got tangled in it's arms, he tried to pull it free. He accidentally pulled the robot's arms off like they were Daisy petals. He stared at them, then tried to turn the robot off again, reaching for the off switch on it's neck-the robot moved and snap- he snapped it's neck off like a matchstick.

"Launchpad! YOU could do THAT to ME if you wanted to?" Mr. McDuck yelled.

" I wouldn't do that to Flintheart Glomgold, never mind you. Yes, I'm strong enough. But I'm not that kind of person. I told you you would have to be careful." Launchpad said, quietly.

Just then the talking alarm, hooked up to the money bin, went off.

"Gizmoduck is down! Repeat: Magica Despell had downed Gizmoduck!" it said.

They all ran outside.

There they saw Magica Despell, riding thru the air on a broomstick like it was Halloween. Gizmoduck was stuck to the ground- he couldn't move, couldn't take off the g-suit, bupkus.

"Sorry, boss. Guess this thing can't handle magic!" Gizmoduck said.

"Give me your Lucky Dime, Scrooge McDuck! Or I'll fry your nephews- and your little watchdog, too!" Magica said.

It took Launchpad a second or two to realize she was talking to him, and thought he was Mr. McDuck. He was a little surprised she couldn't tell- this had been done by magic and she is a witch- but heck, she wasn't there!

"Leave them out of this!' said Launchpad, doing a very good Mr. McDuck impersonation. "Leave this between YOU- and me!"

"Or what?" Magica asked, sneering.

"Or I'll swallow my Lucky Dime!" Launchpad asked- showing off a garden-variety dime.

"What?" Magica asked, startled.

"I'm willing to bet even you will have trouble getting it out from inside of me! Me- all I got to do is wait a few days!" Launchpad said, bluffing wildly.

"Well? Will you leave Gizmoduck and- my nephews _()()Why DOESN'T it feel weird to call them that?()()_ Launchpad asked himself, and then answered himself:_ ()()Let's face it, they practically are- Mr. McDuck does treat me like an annoying kid brother"()()_ out of this?" Launchpad asked, still sounding (and looking) like Mr. McDee.

"Very well. I could find that dime inside of you if I had to- but it would be very messy. This is easier." Magica said.

Magica tried to zap Launchpad who was already running and dodging for all he was worth, always heading as far away from the others as he could. Launchpad was trying desperately to think of what else to do, but he kept being distracted by irrevalant matters like trying to stay alive.

And Launchpad was distracted the fact that there are some advantages to being small. For the first time in years, he could run at full throttle without having to worry about tripping over his own feet, or worrying about not being able to stop in time due to momentum- besides, a smaller target is harder to hit!

It was kind of weird he didn't feel old- but Mr. McDuck seldom does. He was tempted to try and find out how old Mr. McDee is, but decided it was none of his business.

_()()Mr. McDuck never asked me how old I am. Good thing, too, he'll hit the ceiling if he ever finds out he hired a 13 year old to be his personal pilot over 6- getting close to 7- years ago!()()_ Launchpad thought.

_()()And he can't say I lied when A: he didn't ask and B: I gave my hatched certificate and working papers to Mrs. Featherbee and filled in the correct date of hatched on all the forms that asked for it. Not my fault his poor overworked secretary didn't have time to notice and you know what happens to paperwork- it just sat on a desk until she stuck my file under "M' and forgot about it. Nobody even glanced at it except to make sure it was filled out completely and signed()()_ Launchpad thought.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion...( I just HAD to say that!)... Mr. McDuck was watching all this and was wondering what Launchpad was doing.

_()() Launchpad's leading Magica away from all of us, that's what he doing.()()_ Mr. McDuck thought.

Then Mr. McDuck had an epiphany: he realized he was waiting for Launchpad to DO SOMETHING to rescue his Lucky Dime- AND HE WAS LAUNCHPAD!  
He laughed and heading over to Launchpad's plane. He flew it as close to Magica as he dared, then glided it closer so she couldn't hear. Launchpad, seeing this, kept ducking (7) and bobbing and weaving.

"You take the high road and I'll take the low road..."sang Launchpad.  
( 8) Launchpad wanted taunt Magica to keep her so mad and so busy she didn't see the plane heading towards and above her.

It worked. Mr. McDuck was soon directly over Magica.

_()()Now what?()(_)Mr. McDuck asked himself. _()()Well, what would Launchpad do?()()_

He dropped a net over Magica. She, surprised, got hopelessly tangled in it. she tried to free herself, lost her balance and fell off the broom. Clunk! Out cold! Mr. McDuck landed the plane. He got out and Launchpad was there to meet him. The two shook hands. The sun set.

The End.

* * *

(1)Who was originally called Supergoof, but he changed his name and costume to prevent Superdog Comics from suing him.

2)Launchpad practically has the words: "OLD SOFTY" tattooed on his forehead in great quivering capital letters. Guess people can tell he don't LIKE hurting anybody. Not even the bad guys.

(3)I regret NOT thinking of another pretext for Mr. McDuck getting the priests mad at him. But this is not without precedent, remember Mr. McDuck trying to steal the Golden Fleece back in "Ducktales"? Besides, keep reading- he found a way to justify his actions- to himself, at least

(4)Which is about as far from the truth as you can get- since when does the world's richest duck hire anybody but the best?

(5)I have no idea if such a book exists. I don't care, neither

(6)Don't bother checking back issues, I made said robot up.

(7)Ouch! No pun intended!

(8) Launchpad's pretending to be Mr. McDee, OK?


End file.
